In 24 hours I will be sitting in a stranger’s office, making it official. My marriage is ending, and this is how it begins. I guess, to be accurate, it began a long time ago, but I’m not really sure when because I didn’t exactly know this was coming. But it is here now, make no mistake about it.
I’ve been through the whirlwind of emotions; through all of the what-if’s. I’ve been replaying everything in my mind, trying to see if I can pinpoint the exact moment when my marriage ceased to exist. I’ve even tinkered with the idea that maybe, just maybe, this isn’t a completely bad thing.
I want to say that I’m OK with this. I want to say that I have wholly accepted it and have made my peace with it. I want to say with certainty that my daughter will be fine. I want to say that it doesn’t bother me at all that some people will see me with my kid, see the color of my skin, see the absence of a wedding ring, and then think whatever horrible thing it is that they think about single, black mothers. Who knew I would long for the days of being mistaken for the help?
It’s not that I haven’t experienced loss in my life. I’ve had so much of it, I consider myself somewhat of an expert. It’s just that it’s always so damn hard, no matter what I may know about it. Yes, I know I will make it through. I am strong (so everyone keeps telling me) and this won’t wreck me. But that doesn’t mean I want to face it, and it sure doesn’t make it any easier.
I recognize that as far as these things go, I’m not in bad shape. I didn’t marry an asshole, and my daughter will still have an incredible man for a father. I am surrounded by so much love and support, that it is truly overwhelming. These are the things that I try to remember. For the amount of love that I have had to say goodbye to in this life, I feel like I have gotten back double that amount in friends. And not to brag, but I have incredible people for friends, the kind that will make sure, unequivocally, that I am taken care of. I am humbled and grateful, and it is their love for me that will make this path a little less treacherous.
(OK, I admit it, I have wine and ice cream too. A girl needs reinforcements.)